I AM ALIVE, BIG PANTIES AND OTHER RANDOM STORIES

First off

its going to be a marathon and as you well know, no good story ever started with a salad.

I have been away and I just woke up because bloggers are being awarded, aki if I had know I would have taken ka Toi seriously, but that is nothing to worry about I was busy working, you know the kind of work that pays rent and stuff.

I missed everything! but I was doing pretty good on the job front, me I don't lie, I was in the DN and shit.

And when you have been in the papers, you behave accordingly. So I was seen on several occasions at Villa Rosa Kempinski. 

Drinking expensive coffee. Expensive water, that water is 950KSH, when I tell you its expensive, am not joking.. Expensive beer!!! Expensive food.

I trust you are by now sufficiently jealous. If not yet, then please know I was also being interviewed by bloggers around the globe, because I am a very, important person. If you do not believe, read the interview HERE!!!

There are disadvantages that are not really disadvantages that come with this kind of importance but trust me I am feeling it - I grew fat! That is not necessarily the Kempinski life, really my life usually looks like this in the evening.... 

Not exactly, but more or less. You can now breath easy.

The body is clever, and it tells us things that we just ignore; It started this way, I was taking a bike (boda boda) from state house road, no buses go there and my mercedes was at CMC. When I lifted my leg to panda, I had that terrible noise TRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!. Right between my crack. It may sound funny now but then it was not, because I had another meeting. Warning number one; me huko I do not care am still stuffing meself with matumbo and kadhalika.

Several months later we are in Kisumu on a jobo, out there near Tuskys I meet those boys with the weighing machines, I weigh myself, that thing is reading 63kg!! needless to say I tukanad him and told him to stop operating faulty machines. I go home and try one of my my jeans I had carried, it doesnt even go beyond the thighs!!! Warning number 2!

After this jobo, my Cuzo, who was my boss decides we are going to Mombasa to celebrate. Me in my cleverness I carried 3 of my short shorts and a bikini, nothing else. We fika over there. I try on the first shorts..

mind you those shorts used to be buggy.

My cuzo has mercy on me and gives me one of her dresses. Now it is obvious that I had not worn a dresse in quite sometime, because I noticed - my thighs where touching, as in when I walk the thighs rub against each other, a very alien thing to me, so half of the holidays I was walking legs apart like a circumcised person. Is there anything worse? possibly.

I get back home, then I start noticing things, (yeah I had noticed nothing before, I have selective amnesia). First things first, I try most of my shirts, my arms are too fat, as in my arms cannot go through sleeves. Two, 18 pairs of my jeans cannot go passed my knees...

Thank you.

I am feeling the depression, so now I have done that re-run, of what evil things I must have eaten and or drunk, the devils that might be in my closet sewing my clothes tighter and its just not adding up. And as usual and for only God knows what reasons, you have to have more reasons as to why you have added this kind of "sudden" amount of weight. Yeah it was very sudden.  I did not notice anything (if you are at this point with me and just did a pregnancy test, you need professional help). SO next reason. I did notice I am still somewhat stuck in the ex zone and I was doing a lot of drunk texting and calling and being just all shades of crazy..(must be the major reason for adding this kind of not explainable weight). Frankly I do not know why this Ex factor keeps cropping up, as in really what part of "E" and "X" is difficult to understand. 

Anyway, I think this EX factor situation is like a drug, you get over it but you still have lapses, because just the other day I was with June, then after a few; I was already talking some stupid things of how we should casually drop by his local, CASUALLY DROP BY!!! she gave me this withering bitch please look, I wachad that storo haraka haraka - God bless good friends - who save you from cheap embarrassments!  I repeat, why I do it, I do not know! ... am already thinking we need a soundtrack to go with this story, it is already sounding extremely pathetic (more wine please, and at this point am not going to be picky, red, white, rose, drosty hof, carton whatever)..

Did you know that a man can make a woman crazy, as in batshit crazy of walking on the streets naked and talking to imaginary friends? but seriously,

You have been there, we have all been there!! unless ofcourse you married you highschool sweetheart (God bless you girlfriend if you did, you are a rare special human). Then there was the little small factor of my dad telling me that I am still very young and can still get a husband; The universe is fucking against me!!! But I have taken comfort in the amazing life I have. Great friends, and generally am alive, that is good, I am walking a lot, not all the time but I am trying, drinking lots of fluids (questionable are these fluids) but fluids all the same, and I am doing some yoga, I got some videos on Youtube, I do the routines most of the time, but sometimes I do them mentally. I am in a good place.

Am ambitious like that! This is really short, but start here. There are more vids and tuts on this; start pole pole and progress upwards to the 1hour 55 minutes I downloaded and have never gone past 16 minutes. Baby steps.

NOW, WHILE I WAS AWAY...

Yaani I leave you kidogo like this and you are already doing your own things. The other day I was at Adams Arcade just minding my own business at the chips place when this very well casually dressed woman comes in. She is wearing leggings, a jacket (blazer) and flats and generally looks very nice.. And as you know I like to look at good things twice... then a mama turns and I see a very depressing situation.

okay thats not her, but you get where I am going with this.

My friend, leggings are not pants!!!!!!!!!!!

You now see women walking all over the place..... (yaani you thought I was not going to go into fashion).. please.

Anyway. sheer Leggins are good, they are light and warm and sexy and versatile  but they are not PANTS! And you know am beginning to think the mirror is a liar, because you can look at yourself in the mirror,  the sheer is reflecting, and the mirror too, so you think its okay. NO it s not! This is how it looks like out there where you are busy strutting your stuff on the streets of Nairobi.

The mirror was obviously cheating you, or maybe you need to draw the curtains! And do you think it is really necessary to be a walking anatomy lesson?

I know the look you are going for but, this is not it!!! kwanza this one picked a brown one then decided to wear big white panties.

Thats how you look like from the back, I am telling you the truth. And do not think because your skin tone is Lupita its not showing, IT IS!!!

and the front is no better, trust me.

Do not do this woman, you are embarrassing your children and your future grandchildren.

I know you may think these options are boring, but I think they are not, they are very sexy (we all like that) and fashion forward (I like that)

You've got to cover your ass darling, this is chic, clean, and really the best way to go.

Did I mention cover your ass? Way to go girl! way to go.

Here is another link at GLAMOUR, cool ways to wear those leggings. Go stare at those pictures. And really disco is over, dead gone, do not go there, just forget it.

No! leave those to your children.

Seriously, NO!

There is another thing that I have to constantly remind folks, these are my opinions and I am not Moses holding the tablets. The other day this girl came on to facebook and asked me where my shop is, I told her I do not have a shop and that I am not doing much large scale buying now, except for specific clients, then she comes back and tells me ati "then why are you advertising if you are not selling to everyone?" Me huko thinking, now whats wrong with this one? READ!

That will be all for today, as you know

This is obviously the main reason I have not been nominated for anything on the  Kenyan Blog Awards 2014. But please click on that link and vote for your favourite blogger, I have voted for Biko, whose writting I have a serious crush on, and of course Nancie Mwai, who I am hopping will take all awards pertaining to fashion blogging home, VOTE VOTE  (yes I have) and Nancie is expecting a baby and really all pregnant fashion forward women should rush to her blog and save all her pictures on their desktops and tablets, she looks stunning on this journey, not that I expected anything less.

PS. That story of big panties is coming kesho. Loads of love.

xx